trailer breakdown: goon

As a strange hybrid of a movie geek AND a sports nerd (we do exist in the wild folks), sports movies have a special place in my heart.  Some of my favorite movies of all-time are ones centered around sports.  Rocky, Caddyshack, Major League…the list goes on and on.

There are, however, a lot of BAD sports movies (everyone involved with Caddyshack 2 should be forced to permanently sit in a room and endure that movie 24/7).  The eternal question whenever a new sports movie comes out is whether or not it will make the list of great ones, or we add it to Rocky V on the list of films we’d like to somehow unsee (NO ONE WANTED TO SEE ROCKY LOSE ALL HIS MONEY!!!  WHO WROTE THIS?!?!)

This brings us to the upcoming movie “Goon,” starring Stifler from the American Pie movies.  I say upcoming because the release date for this movie has changed quite a lot.  Fandango says it came out last week, but it’s showing in about one theater near me.  SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER! Could it be good?  Let’s breakdown the trailer.  (SPOILER: It probably won’t be good)

So we open up with not only Stifler from American Pie looking awesome with a beard, but also that guy from “Knocked Up” and “Tropic Thunder” apparently with another stupid haircut.  I’m already feeling good about this!

Alright, now we’re on to something. Stifler is seen here committing felony battery on some fan dressed up as a hockey player.  Either that or we have another Palace Brawl on our hands with players in the seats.  Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are just lucky Stifler isn’t a Pistons fan.

It seems as though this beating is so vicious that the hockey players who are comically fighting on the ice stop and take notice.

OHHH HEADBUTT!!! Now you’d think, based on the normal rules of how the world works that Stifler is going to be hurting pretty bad from this considering the other dude is wearing a helmet…

BUT YOU’D BE WRONG STUPID!  Not only does he seem unfazed, but he BREAKS THE OTHER DUDES HELMET!!  Stifler is so much more metal than you, real world laws of Physics.

So apparently this horrible beating has earned our hero a spot on a hockey call in show hosted by our friend with the crazy hair, and NOT a 1 year stint in jail.  Go figure.

Yeah I’m shocked you let a felon on your set too.

This is his “thinking” face.  SOMEBODY CALL THE ACADEMY!

Back to the plot…so Stifler’s merciless beating of that poor fan has earned him a one way ticket to the exciting world of what appears to be minor league hockey!  So what are the odds that he doesn’t know how to skate and will comically fall down?

So far so good…still standing….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  HE CAN’T SKATE!!! OMG NO WAY!!! *Sigh*

Now it’s time to meet the teammates!  I’ll bet they are exceedingly happy to have Stifler on the team even though he has no real hockey skill aside from the ability to smash someone’s head in and not care about it.

As you can see here…the meeting didn’t go well.  That gentleman to the right does not look like he’s having a good time, and that other chap in white looks like his weekend is going to be ruined as well.

“DIS IS MY SERIOUS MAD FACE U GUYS!”

So I guess beating the crap out of your teammates isn’t enough to get our friend kicked off the team, so now he’s asked what number he’d like.  Knowing where we’ve gone so far what number do YOU think he’s going to have?  I’ll give you one guess (the answer is coming a little later…I know, SUSPENSE!!)

I get it!  You’re referring to Wayne Gretzky!

Alright…who guessed his number would be 69?  HILARIOUS right?

Needless to say his first foray into the civilized world of professional hockey is going quite well….at least for him.  Can’t say much for that dude who’s getting pummeled.

Ok, we get it.  Wayne Gretkzy was “The Great One” and this guy comically can’t really play hockey.  This joke wasn’t really funny the first time, I was just giving you a pity laugh.

Wait, wasn’t he wearing a blue jersey a second ago?  What kind of whacked out color-scheme does this hockey team have?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP WITH THE GRETKZY JOKES!  YOU’RE SUCKING MY SOUL AWAY!!

Wait…is that…is that Liev Schreiber?

IT IS!  And he has a biker mustache!!!  Apparently Liev is the villain in this film and another notorious goon.  I feel like that mustache can win fights on its own.

It looks even more awesome in a hockey uniform!!  I think he should have to keep this mustache for all his roles.  It’s the least he can do for appearing in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.”  I may never forgive him for that.

Now that the villain has been revealed, Stifler needs to take things to another level.  So he does what everyone does in a movie like this…go to a bar.

LOVE INTEREST!  Hopefully she’s of the “Alli in the original Karate Kid encouraging,” type and not the “Jo from Rounders try to destroy your dreams type,” and yes “Rounders” is a sports movie.

This is one of Stifler’s teammates.  Why is it that the only person who looks like a hockey player in this movie is the villain?

Great…Eugene Levy’s in this movie.  Is this just a side project to keep people busy until the new American Pie movie?  And yes that DID actually come out this weekend (Tara Reid needs the money).

Yep…it’s here everyone.  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Anyway…Eugene tells Stifler that they call him a “thug,” which is about right given what’s gone on in this trailer so far.  I have a bad feeling this is going to be a “goon somehow develops skills that would take decades to develop but he does in about two months” kind of movie.  Does he at least turn into a werewolf like in “Teen Wolf?”

LOOK LADIES!  SOMETHING FOR YOU!

Help us Liev….you’re our only hope….#StarWars

What happened to you man? You were in “Dude, Where’s My Car.”

I don’t know if you know this, but every Canadian hockey announcer looks like this.  Fun Fact: Randy Hahn shaves his goatee off every day, and it regrows overnight like Tim Allen’s beard in, “The Santa Clause.”

It takes…um…an amazing player with transcendent skills? Did I get it?

Oh…

Yes ladies, that is a biker-stache AND a mullet.  Liev is just a tuxedo t-shirt away from being ready to party. What was the plot of this movie again?

Looks like the love interest is supportive.  Either that or she’s clapping because Stifler failed miserably.  Either way.

More fighting!  Movies always tell you what mainstream America thinks your sport entails.  Apparently most people think hockey is basically UFC on skates.  That whole, “clean up the NHL’s image,” campaign is going great!

Yeah…Gary Betteman is going to hate this movie. Well, at least until the part where Stifler realizes he doesn’t want to be a Goon and then turns into Wayne Gretzky after a 2 minute montage.  Then I’LL be the one smashing my face against a wall.

Yeah…my thoughts exactly

About Brad

I love what I love and I am who I am. I'm a nerd. Don't like it? Oh well.
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