As a strange hybrid of a movie geek AND a sports nerd (we do exist in the wild folks), sports movies have a special place in my heart. Some of my favorite movies of all-time are ones centered around sports. Rocky, Caddyshack, Major League…the list goes on and on.
There are, however, a lot of BAD sports movies (everyone involved with Caddyshack 2 should be forced to permanently sit in a room and endure that movie 24/7). The eternal question whenever a new sports movie comes out is whether or not it will make the list of great ones, or we add it to Rocky V on the list of films we’d like to somehow unsee (NO ONE WANTED TO SEE ROCKY LOSE ALL HIS MONEY!!! WHO WROTE THIS?!?!)
This brings us to the upcoming movie “Goon,” starring Stifler from the American Pie movies. I say upcoming because the release date for this movie has changed quite a lot. Fandango says it came out last week, but it’s showing in about one theater near me. SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER! Could it be good? Let’s breakdown the trailer. (SPOILER: It probably won’t be good)
So we open up with not only Stifler from American Pie looking awesome with a beard, but also that guy from “Knocked Up” and “Tropic Thunder” apparently with another stupid haircut. I’m already feeling good about this!
Alright, now we’re on to something. Stifler is seen here committing felony battery on some fan dressed up as a hockey player. Either that or we have another Palace Brawl on our hands with players in the seats. Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are just lucky Stifler isn’t a Pistons fan.
Back to the plot…so Stifler’s merciless beating of that poor fan has earned him a one way ticket to the exciting world of what appears to be minor league hockey! So what are the odds that he doesn’t know how to skate and will comically fall down?
Now it’s time to meet the teammates! I’ll bet they are exceedingly happy to have Stifler on the team even though he has no real hockey skill aside from the ability to smash someone’s head in and not care about it.
As you can see here…the meeting didn’t go well. That gentleman to the right does not look like he’s having a good time, and that other chap in white looks like his weekend is going to be ruined as well.
So I guess beating the crap out of your teammates isn’t enough to get our friend kicked off the team, so now he’s asked what number he’d like. Knowing where we’ve gone so far what number do YOU think he’s going to have? I’ll give you one guess (the answer is coming a little later…I know, SUSPENSE!!)
It looks even more awesome in a hockey uniform!! I think he should have to keep this mustache for all his roles. It’s the least he can do for appearing in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” I may never forgive him for that.
Anyway…Eugene tells Stifler that they call him a “thug,” which is about right given what’s gone on in this trailer so far. I have a bad feeling this is going to be a “goon somehow develops skills that would take decades to develop but he does in about two months” kind of movie. Does he at least turn into a werewolf like in “Teen Wolf?”
I don’t know if you know this, but every Canadian hockey announcer looks like this. Fun Fact: Randy Hahn shaves his goatee off every day, and it regrows overnight like Tim Allen’s beard in, “The Santa Clause.”
More fighting! Movies always tell you what mainstream America thinks your sport entails. Apparently most people think hockey is basically UFC on skates. That whole, “clean up the NHL’s image,” campaign is going great!
Yeah…Gary Betteman is going to hate this movie. Well, at least until the part where Stifler realizes he doesn’t want to be a Goon and then turns into Wayne Gretzky after a 2 minute montage. Then I’LL be the one smashing my face against a wall.