Pedobear vs. Ted: A Deadliest Warrior Showdown

Historically, teddy bears have been viewed rather positively.  They’re cuddly, soft, cute, and they can protect our children from the boogie monster.  However, times are changing, and in contemporary society, teddy bears are starting to become rather wicked.

For over a decade, the undisputed bad-boy-bear has been Pedobear, a jolly looking creature who has an uncontrollable fetish for children.  But Pedobear’s reign has since become threatened when cartoon producer Seth MacFarlane decided to manufacture a bad teddy bear of his own named, Ted, to challenge Pedobear for pop-culture dominance.  The world is certainly only large enough for one bear, so let’s pit these two teddy-titans together in a Deadliest Warrior-style combat simulation to see who will reign supreme.

             VS     

Pedobear

Ted

Rationale

Creep Factor

X

Most people’s bark is worse than their bite and this is certainly the case for Ted.  He is loud, swears, and says inappropriate things, but at least you know exactly what is going through his head.  It’s always the quiet ones that you have to worry about.  Pedobear’s silence definitely out-creeps Ted’s loud mouth.

Combat Skills

X

The world has yet to see what Pedobear is capable of in the combat department.  For all we know he could destroy Chuck Norris, but because there is no data here, we cannot accurately evaluate him.  Ted, on the other hand has proven his power, dismantling a muscled-up Mark Walberg during their previous fight.

Threat to Society

X

Although Ted’s drinking and marijuana addiction clearly has a bad influence on society, Pedobear’s obsession with children is far worse, since we care more about adorable kids than we do stupid tight-pants wearing, pot smoking, hipsters.  Plus, it seems many of the most f-ed up people are those with scars rooted in childhood.

Seduction

X

X

Tied, since each deals with a different demographic.  Pedobear is irresistible to children, but Ted has proven he has what it takes to get in with the ladies.

Popularity

X

Pedobear has been around longer, but he is still very much unknown and misunderstood by the vast population- although one could argue subtlety is an advantage when it comes to securing one’s objective.  Due to the massive marketing capabilities of Universal Studios, Ted has quickly become a global image and name.  As history has proven, it’s not always the strongest person that has the most power, it’s the most popular person.

Influence

 X

So far, Ted has only dished out crude and rude jokes.  He make us laugh, but influences us very little.  Pedobear on the other hand has found a way to infiltrate the global news media, the Olympics (http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01573/bear_1573909c.jpg), and even President Obama (http://www.inquisitr.com/wp-content/obama-pedobear.jpg). Pedobear is clearly more influential.

Cuteness

 X

Let’s face it; we live in a very superficial world where sex sells.  The pretty people are usually the ones with the most control over us.  This is a rather difficult category to judge, since attractiveness is a subjective matter.  One could argue Pedobear is more attractive since women tend to prefer men who are taller.  But overall, we have to give a slight edge to Ted, since he looks more like a standard cute teddy bear and we know for-a-fact that he at least bathes and grooms.

Speed

X

Ted has small legs, how fast could he possibly be?

Athleticism

 X

Ted has small legs, how athletic could he possibly be?  Pedobear on the other hand loves football.  We know this because he was recently spotted at a Penn State game.

Winner:  Pedobear!
Out of a simulated 100 battles, Pedobear came out victorious 62% of the time.  Sorry MacFarlane, but it looks like Pedobear will be holding onto his championship belt for quite some time.

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About Ping Zhou

Social scientist, traveler, nerd.
This entry was posted in anime, movies and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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