nightmare fuel: jack and jill trailer breakdown

Last time we did this I tortured myself by breaking down the trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One and at that point I thought that I had broken down what would probably be the worst movie ever.  Sadly, I was wrong.  Since I love you, and apparently hate myself I’ve gone to the trouble of breaking down the trailer for Adam Sandler’s latest destruction of American cinema….Jack and Jill.  Let’s just dispense with any more pleasantries and just get to this…sigh.

I like how the image of “Happy Madison” productions is just ghosted on this frame of Sandler, Katie Holmes and family.  It represents how the company is a shadow of its former funny self.  YOU MADE HAPPY GILMORE AND BILLY MADISON ADAM!!  WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!  Anyway, apparently Adam is playing a typical everyman with a wife and two kids just trying to make it in America…

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT HOUSE!!!  I take it back, apparently Adam is playing himself, a formerly funny actor who lives in an insane house in Beverly Hills.  Hopefully this movie ends with him learning the value of his integrity over a cash grab and pledging not to make any more shitty movies (SPOILER ALERT: it doesn’t…and yes I haven’t seen it….I still know this doesn’t happen)

So let me get this straight, you live in a God damn palace and your wife is apparently cooking?  The realism of this movie is now lost on me.

This shot pretty much encapsulates all that’s left of Katie Holmes’ “acting talent.”  She can basically smile vacantly and that’s about it.  Oh, right this is apparently a movie I’m supposed to be breaking down.  Well here’s the gist so far.

Jack: “Why do I have to pick up my sister, blah blah blah blah blah”

Katie Holmes Character: “She’s family and you haven’t seen her in forever and she’s the comedy relief of this movie SO GO FUCKING GET HER AT THE AIRPORT, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CASH YOUR PAYCHECK!!”

So we head to this magic airport where the only airline is American.  Where is this airport?  Hell?

Ok…so we see Jill off in the distance.  I CAN FEEL THE HILARITY COMING!!!  I really hope she’s played by Kevin James.

*Sigh* Why are we seeing another shot of this asshole.  I WANT TO LAUGH AT KEVIN JAMES IN DRAG!

Jesus Christ….seriously?  I’m going to say this right now, if you pay to see this because you think it is funny we can never be friends, NEVER!

We get our first show of what will undoubtedly be the acting turn that gets Adam Sandler a Razzie.  What studio green lit this shit?!?!  Does Sandler have naked pictures of someone or something?  How does this film get made?  Well we’re only a minute into this trailer so I better bunker down here. I’m sure it gets far, far worse.

Oh God…we’re doing the “twins do the same things” crap aren’t we?  Fuck me.  Here’s a quote for the poster…

“Not since every other movie about fucking twins did I see so much lame “twins do the same bullshit at the same time” action.  KILL ME!” – Brad: culturewedge.com

Also, am I the only one that noticed Jack’s son is apparently not white?  He’s married to Katie Holmes in this movie right?  Is this trailer just making me lose my mind?

This scene will NOT happen in the audience for this movie.  Unless the people are just laughing out of sheer madness…then it will be immediately followed by tears, lots and lots of tears.

You don’t say?  NOTHING IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE IS SUBTLE!

OMG family dinner scene!  Who’s the wacky guest?!?!

It’s Allen Covert as a homeless man! Just like in Happy Gilmore!  Note: this will be the ONLY comparison to Happy Gilmore this movie will ever get.  Seriously WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU SANDLER?!?

Shockingly enough Jill makes a NOT SUBTLE comment about the homeless guy at the table and some awkwardness ensues.  This is the same awkward feeling you’ll have if you ever tell your friends you enjoyed this movie.

You know your movie is good when your main joke is the fact that the lead actor looks awful in drag.  I get it, he’s a dude, dressed up as a woman.  I think the only place this movie is going to make money is England.  The Brits apparently LOVE this kind of shit.

If this is setting up a nude scene I swear to God…

PLOT DEVICE!  Jill apparently has a list of things she wants to do while she’s visiting Jack in LA.  Jack then looks at the list with the same quizzical look Adam Sandler SHOULD have given when looking at this script. Time for some “doing wacky stuff” hilarity!!

HA HA HA HA!! SHE KILLED THAT PONY!!! IT COULDN’T HOLD THE WEIGHT!!  Look if you’re going to steal a joke from “The Critic,” at least TRY to do it as well as they did…(first joke they do at the beginning of the clip)

See…THAT’S subtlety.  The scream, the quick cut to the tombstone.  That’s funny.  Not this bullshit.

Oh God he’s wearing a trench coat.  This movie is going to have a flashing scene.  I can feel it.  This isn’t the red-band trailer is it?  PLEASE SAY IT’S NOT!

This is making me want to gouge out my eyes.  This film had to have been made in the pits of Hell.

Is this a threat?!?!  Please make her leave.  PLEASE! How much longer is this fucking trailer????

They must have shot this scene right after Adam saw a rough cut of what they had shot.  I feel you Adam…I feel you.

Hey everybody, we found Tim Meadows!  Now we know why he spent, what 20 years on SNL?  Guess he knew his film career would consist of showing up in shit shows like this and the direct to DVD sequel of “Mean Girls.”  If it’s any consolation, Tim, “The Ladies Man,” was alright…I guess.

Look everyone!  She doesn’t know how to use a lawnmower!!  Such amazing humor!  Small question though…why the fuck would Jack allow his crazy sister to drive a lawnmower when he probably hires people to landscape his massive and expensive property?  WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END DAMNIT!

I’m pretty sure I saw this scene in one of my nightmares.  Adam Sandler, in drag, eating pasta and sitting next to a bird.  This is a comedy right?  I’m supposed to laugh at this? Is there any more plot to this movie besides Jill looking like a man and doing stupid shit?

So now we’re at a Lakers game and someone is apparently looking at Jill.  This person is probably blind and running in terror.  The good news is that so far no actual good actor’s career has been damaged by appearing in this tragedy…

No fucking way.  Al Pacino is in this?  AND HE’S PLAYING HIMSELF?!?!  Al, you don’t need the money, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?

Even better…he’s playing Jill’s love interest.  Yes you read that right.  Al Pacino (as himself) is playing the love interest to Adam Sandler in drag.  This has to be one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

*Sigh*

Jill: “He [Al Pacino..playing himself] just wants to play twistah with your sistah”

Me: “Fuck you.”

Stop…please stop…

PLEASE STOP!!!

Jet-ski crashes?  Fuck this.  I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore.  There’s more with Al Pacino saying he loves Jill and more family dinner bullshit where Jill gets punched in the face by the kid who looks nothing like Adam Sandler or Katie Holmes but I can’t do this anymore.  Fuck this movie.

To end with I’m going to leave you with George C. Scott watching this trailer and experiencing the same emotions that most of us did while watching this.  This is the ONLY WAY TO WATCH THIS TRAILER!  DON’T WATCH IT ANY OTHER WAY!!

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About Brad

I love what I love and I am who I am. I'm a nerd. Don't like it? Oh well.
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