it’s freedom time, bitches!!

This is what happens when you fuck with America.

Tomorrow is July 4th, that annual time of year when we as Americans ignore the numerous crippling problems with our own country, and instead pat ourselves on the back for being so freaking awesome and better than everyone else. I’ll assume you already have a BBQ and fireworks planned, because only Commie sissies will be spending the day not eating red meat and blowing shit up. But still, at the end of the evening, you’re probably gonna want some patriotic movies to watch. Allow me to offer up a few suggestions.

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RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD, PART II

Here we see Stallone reciting what is no doubt Shakespeare-worthy dialogue.

Sometimes you’ll hear people talk about how we lost the Vietnam War, but these people are clearly morons that somehow forgot WE DON’T LOSE WARS. Sure, we might split, and maybe to the layman it looks like a sort of surrender. In truth, we are only lulling the country into a false sense of security, so that they will be caught completely unaware when, years later, we send ONE crazy drifter over to totally lay waste to their entire country. Chalk another “W” up for good ole USA.

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INDEPENDENCE DAY

In America, even our family-friendly rappers/sitcom stars are total bad-asses.

I think it’s safe to say the aliens in Roland Emmerich’s ode to blowing shit up made one crucial mistake – including America in their list of targets. If they had just stuck to destroying all those other countries, there really wouldn’t have been much reason to give a damn. Sure, knock yourself out. But blowing up the White House? Oh, hell no. That’s enough to make even the dude fromWhile You Were Sleeping suddenly grow a pair and deliver a kick-ass “we’re gonna fuck shit up” speech. And not only do we lay a Chris Brown worthy beating on the aliens, but – just to rub salt in the wounds, we even go so far as to prove we can ruin their entire invasion plan armed only with a Mac laptop and a wiry Jewish guy. That’s just showing off. Welcome to Earf!

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AIR FORCE ONE

Just so you know, Gary OLD MAN (see what I did there?), this isn't gonna end well for you.

Sorry, terrorists, but here in America, we only let other Americans kill our Presidents. Still, if you wanna try, I hope you don’t mind getting your ass booted off an airplane by the Prez himself. Glad to see that really worked out for you.

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RED DAWN

WOLVERINES!!!

“OK, comrade, apparently going after President on his plane is nyet such a good idea. Let’s instead start small, and just invade small Colorado town. What could go wrong?” Uh-huh, you go ahead and do that. Hope you don’t mind going home with your tail tucked between your legs, and also dead. Oh, and let’s not forget that your final thoughts will be, “I was just killed by crazy druggie Charlie Sheen and Ponyboy.” It would almost be embarrassing, except it’s never embarrassing to be beat by America…only inevitable.

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INVASION U.S.A

'Nuff said.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? A similar Soviet-Latin alliance couldn’t even defeat a bunch of Colorado high-school kids (it’s like they got defeated by the South Park kids all grown up), and these yahoos really think they’re gonna fare much better in Florida when CHUCK FREAKIN’ NORRIS is around? Uhhh…

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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SICKO

Michael Moore exposes the American Health Care system....wait a second....something isn't right here....

Uhhhhh, wait a minute, I’m not exactly sure how this one got mixed in here. Strike this one from the record!!

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GODZILLA

Right about now, I can hear all you Canadian-bacon lovin’ sissies complaining about this choice. “Waahhh, Godzilla is a Japanese movie, not American, waaahhhhh.” Yeah, well, American Movie Classics used to show these things all the time, and who the fuck are you to argue with a channel with “America” right there in its name. Plus, Godzilla literally spends all his time destroying Japan. What’s more American than that?

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TOP GUN

Look at it and weep, France.

In America, even our overwhelmingly homoerotic movies are still aggressively Patriotic.

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ROCKY IV

How the Reagan - Gorbachev meetings SHOULD HAVE gone.

Sure, we could end the Cold War with a series of political talks and meetings stretched out over a series of years. Or, we could just send Rocky over there to beat the tar out of your national hero and single-handily unite the two sides under his undeniable awesomeness. It’s up to you, really.

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THE PATRIOT 

I don't want to worry any of you tea and biscuit eaters, but I'm fairly sure that flag is ending up sticking where the sun don't shine, if you catch my drift.

I realize a lot of you misguided Americans are really excited about the upcoming Harry Potter film, and that’s fine. But while you’re waiting in line to put more “pounds” into J.K. Rowling’s pocket, maybe you should remember just what it was we fought for back in the Revolutionary War. And that’s to avenge the death of Mel Gibson’s family so that he can go medieval on a bunch of Brits with a fucking tomahawk. Oh, and I don’t want to hear any of this shit about how Mel Gibson isn’t American. Do your homework; the dude was born in New York. He’s American. Except when he threatens to kill his girlfriend and makes anti-Semitic remarks. THEN he’s Australian.

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INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

Eli Roth's finest work.

So we never actually got to Hitler ourselves in WWII, huh? That’s cool – we’ll just make a movie where we re-write history and DO kill this Charlie Chaplin-looking piece of shit. That’s how we roll.

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TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE

That's right...in America, even our fucking puppets are action stars.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s hard-hitting action film is also a thought-provoking examination of American foreign policy, made all the more intriguing by their unusual choice to use puppets as the leads. Some have suggest this movie is meant to be “satire,” but I just don’t see it.

AMERICA!!


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About Trevor Snyder

Give me zombies or give me death. Wait...that doesn't make sense.
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