breaking dawn part one trailer breakdown: really? this is popular?

For the love of God please don’t watch the video above.  It’s almost like the Ark in Raiders as it may melt off your face.  I have done the heavy lifting for you by forcing myself to watch this trailer (more than once actually…THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!) and will break it down for you.  *Sigh* Let’s do this…

This shit show starts off with a woman (I think…I mean this is Twilight so who the hell really knows) walking down a hallway in tall heels.  Color me intrigued….

Good news everyone!  It is a chick!  And she’s hot!  Maybe this isn’t going to be so bad after all.

Random hot chick is apparently carrying whatever she has in her hands into some room that’s apparently in a castle because the door is HUGE!  You’re not important unless you have a huge door leading into your lair.  She must be carrying something AMAZING!  Like some ancient powerful artifact.  Something that can slay vampires or make more magic werewolves.  This is going to be good…I can feel it!

…and it’s just a fucking envelope.  Really?  It’s the mail?  Why is the mail carried on a silver platter?  It’s probably just the heating bill.  Pretty sure that has to be pretty high for an entire castle.  Another thing…this is a Twilight trailer right?  When do I see stupid looking vampires?

Here we go!  It’s Michael Sheen!  Apparently whatever is in the envelope makes him happy.  I’m going to assume since this is Breaking Dawn that it contained his hefty paycheck for showing up in this crap.

We next get a shot of exactly how I felt when I saw this trailer.  Look at this guy.  Apparently he wasn’t as happy with his paycheck as Michael Sheen was.  It’s ok dude, there’s only one more of these movies after this to suck your soul away!

Now we cut to another person who’s quite happy with the content of this “mysterious” letter.  So stupid effeminate looking vampires and women are happy about this letter, but the “everyman” isn’t happy.  Starting to think this “letter” may be an ad for a sale at Nordstroms.

Is this when the sale is?  I mean I could use some new jeans I guess.

OMG IT’S JACOB!!! He’s visibly upset by this letter.  Hmmmm…maybe it’s telling him that in the next movie he has to fall in love with a CG vampire-human baby.  Oh shit, SPOILER ALERT!


This guy is concerned by Jacob’s shirtless rage.  “Taking off your shirt in the rain is your answer to everything Jacob!  Why don’t you go to counseling like we talked about!  THIS ISN’T NORMAL!!”

And Jacob explodes into a wolf….apparently destroying the awesome cargo shorts he was wearing.  So you take the time to take off your shirt before exploding into a wolf, but not your shorts?  I’m pretty sure your clothing bills have to be insane.  Maybe you should hit that Nordstroms sale Michael Sheen and that lady are so excited about.

Native American Professor X (assuming he’s a mutant since Stephanie Myer has ruined two cool things…why not a third?) picks up the letter that Jacob so callously dropped and gives it a good look.  CAN WE FINALLY SEE WHAT THIS IS PLEASE?!!?! The suspense is killing me…

Oh….it’s a wedding invitation.  Yay?

I’d like to RVSP my regrets, thank you very much.

Damnit, I said I didn’t want to go!  Holy shit that’s a lot of flowers.  When sparkly vampires get married to annoying, mopey female protagonists they do it UP!

Yes…I know what I’m invited to.  I said I didn’t want to go.  Respect my wishes please.

OMG EDWARD IN A TUX!!! SWOOON!!!! Forgive me but why is he not sparkling?  I mean it’s light out isn’t it?  Plus how creepy is the dude to his right?  Yikes! THAT is one scary vampire…at least when he’s driving his “FREE CANDY” van.

All this movie is going to change is the suicide rate for males who are forced to sit through this (hint: it’ll trend higher)

It’s Bella!  AND SHE’S MAKING THE TWILIGHT FACE!  You know…the one where there is really no emotion even though there’s supposed to be.  This is how powerful their love is…IT DEFIES EMOTION!

This just makes me sad.  I have no joke here…shame on you planet Earth.

Wait a minute.  Edward and Bella actually look…happy here?  This is throwing off my entire vibe now.

OH YEAH!  Sex scene!  Finally this shit is going to get good and in no way creepy or weird..

Um…ok.  Someone is apparently pent up.  If this is what he’s doing to the headboard I can’t imagine what Bella is getting hit with.  Must feel like a gunshot.  Hope they have a good hospital nearby.

“Edward, when we finally make love for the first time can we do it in a symmetrical room with flowing curtains on either side of the bed, two candles, and you destroying me and the headboard with your orgasm?  That would be AMAZING!”

These books came out of Stephanie Myer’s middle school diary didn’t they?  “And then we kiss under a waterfall as he sparkles and shines!”

Now it’s the time to show some conflict in the trailer (this movie isn’t just about a wedding and Edward and Bella’s rough sex people…sad as that is) and we establish the stakes by Jacob doing his Twilight face.  SHIT IS SERIOUS, YO!

SEE HOW SERIOUS!  Edward has taken time out from breaking headboards to drop a Twilight face of his own.

Apparently Jacob and Edward resort to fisticuffs to settle their score.  THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!  Those future family dinners when Jacob is dating Edward’s CG vampire-human baby are going to be quite awkward.

And speaking of the CG vampire-human baby, Bella’s doing the “look at my belly like I might be pregnant shot!”  THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE SO AMAZING!

“Oh my God Bella, you can’t be pregnant, I’m Mormon and we’re not even married ye…” Wait they got married earlier didn’t they?  SHIT!  This plot is so intricate and tough to follow.

CG VAMPIRE-HUMAN BABY KICK OF DOOM TO BELLA’S UTERUS!  Let this be a lesson to all of you out there.  Spermicide is useless against vampire seed.  Have to coat that shit in garlic paste or holy water or something.  Do vampires even have weaknesses in these movies?  Besides the one to solid storytelling that is?  Anyone?


About Brad

I love what I love and I am who I am. I'm a nerd. Don't like it? Oh well.
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3 Responses to breaking dawn part one trailer breakdown: really? this is popular?

  1. Justin says:

    these are their fans….

  2. Pingback: twihards defy words | culture wedge

  3. Pingback: nightmare fuel: jack and jill trailer breakdown | culture wedge

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