For the love of God please don’t watch the video above. It’s almost like the Ark in Raiders as it may melt off your face. I have done the heavy lifting for you by forcing myself to watch this trailer (more than once actually…THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!) and will break it down for you. *Sigh* Let’s do this…
Random hot chick is apparently carrying whatever she has in her hands into some room that’s apparently in a castle because the door is HUGE! You’re not important unless you have a huge door leading into your lair. She must be carrying something AMAZING! Like some ancient powerful artifact. Something that can slay vampires or make more magic werewolves. This is going to be good…I can feel it!
…and it’s just a fucking envelope. Really? It’s the mail? Why is the mail carried on a silver platter? It’s probably just the heating bill. Pretty sure that has to be pretty high for an entire castle. Another thing…this is a Twilight trailer right? When do I see stupid looking vampires?
Here we go! It’s Michael Sheen! Apparently whatever is in the envelope makes him happy. I’m going to assume since this is Breaking Dawn that it contained his hefty paycheck for showing up in this crap.
We next get a shot of exactly how I felt when I saw this trailer. Look at this guy. Apparently he wasn’t as happy with his paycheck as Michael Sheen was. It’s ok dude, there’s only one more of these movies after this to suck your soul away!
Now we cut to another person who’s quite happy with the content of this “mysterious” letter. So stupid effeminate looking vampires and women are happy about this letter, but the “everyman” isn’t happy. Starting to think this “letter” may be an ad for a sale at Nordstroms.
And Jacob explodes into a wolf….apparently destroying the awesome cargo shorts he was wearing. So you take the time to take off your shirt before exploding into a wolf, but not your shorts? I’m pretty sure your clothing bills have to be insane. Maybe you should hit that Nordstroms sale Michael Sheen and that lady are so excited about.
Native American Professor X (assuming he’s a mutant since Stephanie Myer has ruined two cool things…why not a third?) picks up the letter that Jacob so callously dropped and gives it a good look. CAN WE FINALLY SEE WHAT THIS IS PLEASE?!!?! The suspense is killing me…
OMG EDWARD IN A TUX!!! SWOOON!!!! Forgive me but why is he not sparkling? I mean it’s light out isn’t it? Plus how creepy is the dude to his right? Yikes! THAT is one scary vampire…at least when he’s driving his “FREE CANDY” van.
“Edward, when we finally make love for the first time can we do it in a symmetrical room with flowing curtains on either side of the bed, two candles, and you destroying me and the headboard with your orgasm? That would be AMAZING!”
Now it’s the time to show some conflict in the trailer (this movie isn’t just about a wedding and Edward and Bella’s rough sex people…sad as that is) and we establish the stakes by Jacob doing his Twilight face. SHIT IS SERIOUS, YO!
Apparently Jacob and Edward resort to fisticuffs to settle their score. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS! Those future family dinners when Jacob is dating Edward’s CG vampire-human baby are going to be quite awkward.
CG VAMPIRE-HUMAN BABY KICK OF DOOM TO BELLA’S UTERUS! Let this be a lesson to all of you out there. Spermicide is useless against vampire seed. Have to coat that shit in garlic paste or holy water or something. Do vampires even have weaknesses in these movies? Besides the one to solid storytelling that is? Anyone?