nightmare fuel: rise of the planet of the apes trailer breakdown

Everyone has nightmares.  Mine usually have me being forced to watch the Peter Parker “evil” dance scene from Spider-Man 3 over and over again (we all have our crosses to bear.  DON’T JUDGE!).  Maybe your nightmare is super-intelligent monkeys leading a revolution to overthrow man.  Well you’re in luck because James Franco is starring in a movie about that and it has a trailer!  Let’s break it down….

Trailer opens up with shots of ominous looking drugs being made.  Fun fact: this is also how pretty much every Resident Evil movie starts.

We then go to a board room where a bunch of suits sit around while their sinister looking logo plays on TV’s in the background.  Anyone else notice how most boardrooms DON’T have the company logo anywhere, but in the movies it’s always on some high-tech screen in about 10 places?

That’s ok though because James Franco is here, and he’s got a drug that apparently will fix Alzheimers!  YAY FOR US!!  Wait a minute…didn’t someone else think of a cure for this before and something awful happened?

Oh right…that.  Well I’m sure it will go ok this time.  No way the testing for this cure will come back to bite us in the ass with new super-intelligent animals right?  Right?

OMG A CUTE MONKEY!!! Wait…this thing’s going to kill us isn’t it?  BUT IT’S SO CUTE!

Awww it likes crayons!  This is totally not ominous in any way.  I mean when was the last time someone led a revolution with a box of Crayolas.  I’m still feeling good about this cure for Alzheimers.

Ok…now “Caesar” is writing in English.  May want to start keeping an eye on that monkey.  Just saying…

Franco is starting to look concerned (which is always bad news for humanity) as he learns that Caesar is getting pretty damn smart.  It’s ok though, I’m sure if he just relays his concerns about Caesar’s treatment to his bosses they’ll respond in a thoughtful way that doesn’t start a series of events that lead to the downfall of humanity…

Crap.  Here’s a lesson kids, whenever you hear “[something really important] is property of the company,” in a movie it means horrible things are about to happen…

…especially when it’s followed by this evil looking mother fucker locking the super-intelligent Caesar away with some of his mistreated pals. The only thing worse is if he lectured Franco on the chimps not being “humans.”

Great…we’re fucked.

Really, really fucked.  Nothing like an ominous look from a super-intelligent and quite angry chimp to make you feel like he’s going to somehow overthrow humanity.  Homer Simpson warned us about shifty eyed animals.  WHY DIDN’T WE LISTEN?!?!?!

Oh boy, he’s built tools and is breaking out of prison.  Just like Sean Connery in “The Rock!” Just a few seconds ago he was a sweet little baby chimp and now he’s breaking out of his cage hell bent on revolution.  They grow up so fast!  Luckily he’s the only super-intelligent monkey so I’m pretty sure his revolution will be short lived.

OH GOD HE’S FOUND THE SUPER DRUG!! SOMEBODY STOP HIM BEFORE HE USES IT TO CREATE AN ARMY!!!

….and that’s that.  Now we’re going to have to contend with an army of super monkeys, though we could just make friends with them and apologize for being dicks.  Probably a better idea than saying we should kill them right?

“Put those chimps down,” is said as we get THIS lovely look from Caesar.  Yeah this probably isn’t the best course of action.

SUPER SMART GORILLAS!!!  EVERYBODY RUN!! THIS IS THE RAPTURE WE WERE WARNED ABOUT!!

And so it begins.  A monkey army ascends buildings during the dark of night.  Why does every cure for Alzheimers end in animals trying to kill us?

Pretty sure this dude standing there in the dark wondering what’s going on as a gorilla runs around the building behind him is going to die.  Sorry random guy!

Here’s where shit gets weird.  Hope you enjoy nightmares everyone because there’s a shot of a homicidal super-intelligent monkey staring at Franco while he sleeps.  Yay!

At least evil corporate asshole looks like he’ll get his during the revolution.  Thanks for dooming us all by treating the super smart monkey like shit!

Alright you know what…screw this.  We aren’t going down to a bunch of monkeys without a fight.  I mean we’ve got fucking guns right?  WOO AMERICA!  LET’S KICK SOME PRIMATE ASS!

Oh…they’ve apparently fashioned weapons and learned advanced military flanking techniques.  Great.

QUIT LOOKING UP IN A DUMBFOUNDED MANNER!  SHOOT THE MONKEYS WITH YOUR GUN!!! DO IT NOW!!!

Finally…a gun mounted on a chopper.  I was wondering when we were going to go Sarah Palin on these monkeys.  Crisis over everyone!  There’s no possible way the apes can combat a fucking helicopter.

Shit.

Yeah…we’re fucked.  Thanks James Franco!

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About Brad

I love what I love and I am who I am. I'm a nerd. Don't like it? Oh well.
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4 Responses to nightmare fuel: rise of the planet of the apes trailer breakdown

  1. Michael says:

    Renaissance man my ass. Pick up an M16 and start shootin’, Fabious.

  2. Trevor says:

    “Random guy” is one of the Harry Potter kids. You know, the only one that had the decency to show up at Comic Con last year? I deduct 10 nerd points for you not knowing that.

  3. Brad says:

    You know I never noticed that was Draco Malfoy. I was too busy watching the homicidal monkey stalking him from behind.

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